The toast you've waited for

and how you've paid too much for everything

I’ve been making toast in a skillet for 2.5 years. There has been no pizza, roasted potatoes, baked chicken, pan seared beef cooked off nicely in a hot oven. Lasagna. Roasted beets with garlic and rosemary. Bread.

I have sauteed everything in one pan that recently has a broken handle so I use a towel to pick it off the two burner “parrilla electrica” that sits on top of what I thought would be a nice desk. There was an “estufa del gas” that was a rickety affair and required me to buy an extra tank and chain it to a window and find someone to lug it around because I don’t have a car and the gas guy doesn’t ride around in this town and blow a whistle like 99% of Mexico. There’s no exhaust system in these houses and my life as a chef, a home renovator and worry wort newsreader about people who die in the night because there’s no carbon monoxide alarm in hotels or Airbnbs had me go all electric a while ago.

My new old rental house even has an electric water heater so I’m out of the gas game altogether. Sure I have to flick it on when I want to wash dishes/take a shower and I’m okay with that. I have hot water when I need and I’m not paying to heat up 50 gallons if I don’t.

But an oven seemed overkill. I’ve been looking for a toaster oven forever.

Knowing full well they’re lining the aisles at Goodwill from Tucson to Louisville they’re too expensive to buy here new…neither is an option really, I don’t have an address and the delivery guy adds another $18usd to let you use his address in Hermosillo and drive it in after a few days. The days of order it and try it on! Are OVER.

So I buy nothing.

It shows, of course, in my naturally colored mouse brown with gray stripe hair, make up free face, my well worn yoga pants and last remaining Skechers sneakers. A town that caters to tweens and boozers is a sad retail experience. There are a lot of nail shops and many eyebrow threaders. No one goes without the chola face.

But there it was, some no name (to me) oven…upside down on a wagon wheel plaid Memaw’s sofa from Missouri that the not stylish owner of the used fridge store brought back from Arizona.

Does it work?

No, se. Vamos a ver.

It did! And it had many settings BROIL, CONVENTIONAL, TOAST, WARM and BAGEL(?) which was funny. And a timer, which is non negotiable. At 450MXN ($26.19) I put it under my arm like a fumbled football and paid before someone else came in. No one really uses those said the cashier. Everyone wants microwaves. Like I was in a time warp.

I sit at the crossroads of liking old timey healthy things and Mexico’s not quite there yet but hey have you heard of this new thing the microwave? Which I don’t use. Mexico waited so long to get landlines that they just went right into cell phones. There’s someone on a donkey right now sending a message on What’sApp. You can scan a QR code and pay your light bill in 15 seconds but there’s still no place that sells socks. It’s the weirdest.

I’m fresh off a 14 year stint in the Georgia mountains “middle of nowhere” (so I thought but I ordered plenty of stuff and had a healthy relationship with my UPS man) where I built a giant cob oven for pizzas and pig roasts that I used like 5 times in a decade because it was SUCH A PAIN to fire up. I have several neighbors who still use one. Unironically.

Unsurprisingly, I had zero pig roasts. Some of my lofty catering ideas have been ridiculous. By the time I got the fire stoked long enough to heat the dome I used roughly a cord of wood to make a “primitive hearth baked pizza” of sourdough. I’ve gotten way more practical (lazy) in the last decade.

I’m still trying to recoup the ten grand I spent on a chicken coop to save $2 on eggs. Never mind the full time coop cleaning job that came with it. Oh, the pastoral life of poo.

I am partially stuck here and partially I stuck myself here. I like living in Mexico because it’s easier and more laid back and for sure it’s less expensive. Yes it can be feral and unpaved and there are dying dogs everywhere and small town food is mostly chips with blue dust and tamales but here we are. I didn’t choose this town.

But I’ll keep driving to Guatemala before I’ll go back to $2500 rent and homeless people doing fent in my driveway.

Locals still tell me I’m being ripped off at $295/mo. I do realize that I’ve got a few canine compadres with me, and I’m okay with a dog surcharge. But also I wonder, how much are the locals paying exactly? Since everyone has a couple of houses I’m guessing it’s way less than $300. Americans are suckers and we’ve been house poor for decades. Explain to me how in a country where the daily wage is $30, you have a house at the beach and the city. Just regular working class, not the wealthy. They have SEVERAL homes.

I’ll put up with the lack of kitchen appliances (I’m thankful the fridge was here) and I’ll move an ugly dresser someone left to put the toaster oven on (for now) and I’ll make wire thingies to hang from giant screws in the wall to hang my utensils on. I’ve had the luxury of working in many amazing kitchens over the years and this is not that experience. I dream about stainless steel tongs that close in the middle with a decent spring and a counter where both the tea pot AND the blender can sit. Somedays, I’m over it.

Is it cliche to say I was spoiled by convenience before? Of course. And likely still. There will be a good quality omelet pan at the used store one day and I’ll complain that it’s $10.

*****

Thanks for reading. For more info, to donate to the rescue, to send us dog beds or Nexgard tick chews (or some sneakers for the Lunch Lady) go to our linktr.ee/lolasdogrescue