The portal to our hearts
letting it crack open
I go to the tienda on the good days. This week that has been every, other. They were out of kibble on Wednesday so I’ll have to go back on Friday because Thursday I’m wallowing in my own little pyramid of snotty Kleenex.
Oh God, not writing about the dead dog again are you? Yea, but she was my dog. For 16 years, she was my friend. Constant companion. I’m crying to release all those years, no offense to Miss Brady, I miss her terribly. But I don’t think all this time at the wailing wall is just for her.
Dog love opens you up. Like it or not.
I’ve blown my nose so much I popped my ear on the right side releasing the past pains. A basement full of dragons who had taken me asunder. Death of my mama, death of my brother, loss of a house and much renovation toil and money. Relationships and businesses that were ripe and blooming who died a natural death after a decade and were laid to rest. They’re in there too. Disappointments. This last car flip in this unwelcoming place. Like a closet full of clothes you no longer wear but are too exhausted to box up and donate.
Now is the time. Let it all go.
What I have not allowed as a grieving period is unlocked with a Dog Loss for me. Anyone else? I grieved for my mom and still do, that will never heal it seems. But things that I’ve stuffed down or thought, That’s QUITE ENOUGH let’s move on we have work to do! are floating to the top with that open Hatch of Sad at the top of my head, up and out! Bubbles to the surface.
It’s welcomed in a way but it hurts like hell coming out. I worry sometimes that my heart sinks too many times each year. I feel like I need one of the dragons to befriend me and fly out of the basement and give me a ride to a cool waterfall.
So yes, one week anniversary of losing my dog and writing about it again. Feels like years. A collective tear drops for the world too. All of this isn’t mine, surely. I’ve always been a vessel of sorts. I pray I’m made a hollow bone so that all this can be passed through and released.
Brady made such a valiant exit, it is time, she said and walked into the sunset. And I’m just all gross and blubbering with snot all over and craving a cookie and a hug.
Don’t leave me here!
You’ll be alright, she said. I’ll see you later.
my heart is breaking.
So sorry. It is an amazing thing to really get to know a pet. And then to lose them is so hard. The tears streamed when I had to have my Cocker Spaniel put to sleep. And as I drove home with her and dug the hole in my yard. I still occasionally dream about both my dogs. They were so special as I'm sure your's was too.