Pants off.
is it funny if no one gets my humor? yes
My last post was terribly morose and that’s not what anyone needs. I am thankful to have a place to share my Dear Diary, today was a sad day. The End, posts. Thanks for hanging in there. This will be much lighter if you have an affinity for the Ridiculous. And it’s all gotten a bit Ridiculous, no? But at least I don’t write about POLITICS amirite?
Sunday was a fine day in April and started with me backing out of a curb spot at the kibble tienda. I saw a pink stroller canopy between me and the curb. Geez who put that there? I’m not saying all Mexicans but maybe…Mexican folks like to park right on top of each other even if there are loads of other spots. In my pueblo everyone is driving a beater car fresh from the junkyard so no one cares. But still. A stroller? I checked it didn’t have a baby, and saw said baby standing with body pressed inside the glass door at the hardware place. Cool. Baby in view. I backed up just a hair because someone else had slid in up front, of course.
Crunccccch.
Oh my God I’ve crushed the baby? Or the stroller. Got out, no damage, there was a moto scooter behind me. Just banged the mirrors and such. No harm no foul, their fault for parking on my bumper. Baby was the only witness. I drove away.
Oh my, how long HAVE I been here? No pasa nada! Adios! Try that in the US and end up on the evening news. Or a morgue.
A few years ago I was side swiped by a big green bus in Mexico City and the driver waved and I waved and then I prayed that I’d find the ramp to the bypass that I was supposed to be on in the first place because I don’t care who you are and how great you drive you are not prepared for Mexico City.
Knocked my mirror clear off. I carried on down the hill that burned out my brakes because I was too stupid to downshift and arrived to my Dutch host family in Tepoztlan, Morelos with green paint from hood to rear bumper and a good story to re-install the mirror. They Dutch people laughed and had lots of Odd Man Out in Mexico stories. Now three years in, I’m like, well, I didn’t run over the baby, so let’s keep moving.
Later on, cleaning the fridge out and rebagging the fish parts that I’m grateful to get as donations from the boat guys. I help with their dogs and they bring me weird bits at weird times but the dogs enjoy after I make a soup. It’s disgusting and makes everything stink though. I’m going to set up a crock pot outside and make fish head stews out there.
I see two vials of vaccines I’ve been holding for this couple who never came back to get their second shots despite my repeated messages from my last Spay Clinic. We’ll come this weekend, and then a couple months passed. How long will I keep this in my butter dish I wonder. I drop a bag of goo and fish water is all over the my front, I then drop a bag of shark livers. I spray it off with the outdoor hose and take off my pants. I’m in a Tshirt dress. Jammies house dress ugly home day cleaning clothes. You know the ones. The dogs are clamoring to get dropped liver. I’m wet but i’m still doing stuff, I’m alone, now isn’t a costume change moment and don’t ya know, that couple! The ones with the vaccines in my butter dish in the fridge, are at the gate! Right now in the middle of this cartoon I’m in. How IRONIC.
It’s feeding time, the dogs are extra zippy from 5-6 and now there’s a stranger at the gate and wow. How big the noise 13 dogs does make. The doors are open, I can’t hide. Do I grab a jacket? A hat? What do I have? Nothing. I have nothing.
I check to see if my ass flaps are showing and decide to just dip outside. With my sunglasses. Why? The lady has recently had her eyebrows tattooed, like most ladies in Mexico, definitely in Sonora very popular. Sometimes it’s a good job and sometimes it looks like an emoji done with a Sharpie. This was the I’ll Investigate emoji. The one with the monocle. Her freshly inked cosmetics took the heat off my wet left side that looked like a breast pump malfunction and they were nice enough to act like they didn’t notice no pants.
Is the Vet here?
Huh? Oh, yea no this is my house he only comes in when I do spay clinics and I use my office as the OR. And not for nothin’ it’s 5pm on a Sunday. He’s definitely not here.
I get the giggles pretty easily and I’m for sure a get kicked out of church for laughing, pee your pants at a funeral type of gal. My days are mostly not funny here so any chance that gets into the Ridiculous, I crack wide open.
The eyebrow lady tried in earnest to explain to me who she was and I said, yea I know. I have your vaccines since February 8 in my fridge, I’ll go get them. I bit my lip but definitely couldn’t hold back.
I’m the only American in town. Did they think they met someone else? Secretly I was happy that they didn’t bring the dog because he was a disagreeable bitey Chihuahua and the husband didn’t look like he had the valor to hold him back. Tootsie Rollo they called him
It occurred to me that no one knows what the hell I’m doing here and also that I may be forgettable. I took the sign down about adoptions and refuge/rescue a while ago…I’ve tried a few over the years, I’m just the Gringa Dog Lady now. I took the sign down because every rando in the pueblo would drop boxes of nearly dead puppies at my door or come over at all hours dropping off the family dog they were tired of or to get meds or who knows what.
Mexicans are big on the drop by. I am a particularly Not Drop By Person, so the signage had to go.
I sent the couple on their way with the syringe and tiny vials. She wanted to argue about whether it was subcutaneous or intramuscular and I said for sure subQ and for whatever reason, she wasn’t taking me seriously while I laughed and didn’t look at her eyebrows. I sent them a YouTube video after they left and took the opportunity to add that I am the rescue worker in town for the street dog population control and I’ll let them know the next time I have a vet in town and muchas Gracias for vaccinating. Let me know if you have any questions.
I may be a clown but I’m a professional clown.
For more info on the completely forgettable work I do for free here in Sonora, Mexico in a remote fishing village, check out the links at linktr.ee/lolasdogrescue
Now that was a lovely story and funny and right on and yes, I've driven in Mexico City, got a giant ticket, actually a huge mordida, corruption its finest I'll tell you about sometime maybe, but no side swipes thankfully, and River sure looks happy, and now I'm wiped because it's like 12:30 in the morning and I'm out of steam, so good night Lola and thanks again for all you do.