hello me, it's you

notes from my migraine

Hello it’s me.

Your head. Vaguely your head but sort of your nerves and that weird occipital bone in the back that feels like it has lost course. Cortical spreading depression which means nothing, a hot poker in the eye, or a hammer to the temple I like to keep it fresh…just imagine me as a tiger. I’m in your house somewhere, I won’t tell you where, you’ll figure it out. If you feed me exactly right and with perfect timing I won’t attack you. Right now anyway.

If the temps stay below 92 and the humidity below 50% I won’t attack you. If the barometric pressure stays consistent at an unknown mercury level and the altitude is not too this and not to that I’ll just sleep in the closet.

Please be aware that your neighbor’s cleaning product or the soap aisle at the tienda or a passing car’s exhaust may send me into a rage, so be aware. Other days I’ll notice the smells but not rage. Like living with Ike Turner you’ll never know what will set me off. Walk on eggshells. Don’t wake me.

Do not miss meal time. Do not intermittent fast. Do not allow noise into your space. Wear sunglasses of varying darkening lenses at all times. Inside too. Please buy me special light bulbs and keep the room cool but not too cool. Do neck exercises but not too deep. Don’t forget the magnesium but remember how sometimes I don’t like it and it makes you stay up all night. Avoid food triggers but remember, they change. And then they’re not really a thing. Get enough salt but not too much. Water, yes, I like water. But not too much. It’s cute how you’ve spent all that money on massage and bodywork and biofeedback and doctors. Tigers don’t care about any of that.

You can lay down to avoid me but I’ll find you if you lay down too long. Don’t give me medicine or I will terrorize you in different ways that may surprise you. You are no match for me, as I am a tiger. Just buckle up and wait the 12 hours or maybe 48, we’re getting cranky as you age. I know they told you that tigers don’t attack ladies with menopause but that’s a lie, we’ll attack whomever/whenever.

Are you going to throw up? Likely. I don’t care. I’ll go back in hiding after a couple days but you’ll be weakened from our entanglements. Aren’t you glad you cleaned the bathroom floor? You’ll be spending a lot of time in there. Anyway, gotta run. Until next time.