Felt kind of American

for a minute I wasn't where I was

There’s a few things I don’t normally see around here. I don’t see any other gringos for sure. No one else but me speaks English. A couple guys who were traffickers who got caught or deported or jailed in Tucson were sent back and they speak some English but like most of us, if you don’t practice your second language often, you lose it. And they don’t have the most expansive vocabulary. Modder Fockeh is about as far as it goes.

The other thing I don’t see are fancy cyclists with $4600 bikes loaded with strobe lights and flashers and clip pedals and lycra shorts and fake Italian team shiny shirts and a 50 plus guy in $300 Airpods riding super fast like he just watched Tour de France and he’s a huge Lance Armstrong fan from back in the day. Most bikes are barely ride worthy. They’re for transport to a gig because they can’t afford a car or they drove it into a ditch on a bender. I’ve seen dudes carry ladders on motocross bikes, tow concrete mixers behind beach cruisers, all kinds of stuff. These are the paisano Mexicans that I’m used to. The “I take my jeans to the dry cleaner and get dressed up to exercise” guy I’m less familiar with. The cologne and buffed nail guy that keeps the sun off his skin so he stays guero, but is super pudgey from fake lard and a desk job guy is unsettling to me. There’s a geo thermal plant here and they have a “gated community” on the water that could be nice but isn’t. That’s where they put the engineers on contract. There are zero support services there not even a tienda. The people are super boring/bougie and you can see it on their faces that they hate coming over to the crapcentro where people drink on the street until they barf or pass out on a donkey and music plays until 5am and there are pigs running around for no reason and there’s carne asada tacos literally everywhere unless you want a hotdog which Sonora brags they are “famous” for. The “engineers” stay until they get transferred to another plant and the money is good but the job is soul flattening. They have job security with the utility company and if they can hold out, they can get a pension and day drink their 60s away on this side of town. It’s very sad. Mostly on their days off they drive to Hermosillo to go to Costco and buy regal Kirkland toilet paper and stock up on farm raised Thai salmon that was grown in a pool in Asia because it feels better than buying a whole live fish in the literal fishing village that they live in. The power of cryovac. It’s so “clean”.

So that’s the guy on the bike. “Rigo” with silver hair who dates (sends flowers to like a funeral director) the cranky stout lady who has a business on the corner. They’re both divorced and hate dogs and that’s their love language. Last night he was on his multi lap blinky strobe light post 9pm exercise like a maniac routine. I’ve heard he used to be 400 lbs and they think he’s on some off market diet pills. There are two roads that are paved in the pueblo. It would make more sense to ride in his neighborhood, but I don’t think it’s any fun to exercise with all the bling if no one sees you. So, in some sort of repressed office drone parkour, he comes over here and tortures dogs. Yea. Like some freaky American Psycho side hustle. He rides his blinky purple flashing light clown bike super fast (a dog magnet…if you’ve ever gotten on a bike with your own dog, you may know what I mean) and when a dog chases him he turns the tables and chases the dog. Last night there was a super barkathon of panic on the patio…I went to see and he got to Niles and Pedro who live out front on the sidewalk. Pedro has a big yellow head and a big bark but scares easily so was smashed in a corner by my door and barking. Niles is 9 months old and kinda daft but maybe 20lbs and LOVES to fetch, chase birds, look at birds, look for fish, play ball, chase cars, bikes…high prey drive. Last night was his night with the guy.

At first I saw it and figured well, he’s turning the bike on the dog okay yea I get it and I stood there and he just carried on. And on. Pinning the dog against the fence. Flashing the lights and the floods inside my gate and flipping out the inside dogs (8 dogs barking about danger is a lot) I’m trying to talk to the guy, trying to calm my dogs down, asking him why he thinks this is helping the cycling or wheely people at all and not just making the dogs want to eat his face and the dangerous monster he rides. Scared dogs make fast and toothy decisions.

No, no. You don’t know dogs. This will teach him never to chase a bike again, he mansplained. If you haven’t been mansplained by a Mexican before what are you even doing with your days? it’s next level shit. You go back 70 years and books weren’t invented yet and you don’t exist with a brain stem. It’s a lot of fun.

I asked the guy to stop, nicely…I can’t get outside for obvious reasons (8 angry dogs) and I don’t really want to be out there with him. Hell after 9pm, I’m putting on the jammies, I’m not tryna have a street fight with this nerd. Plus he had a freakishly calm and dead shark eye when he did speak.

These dogs run back here to your house because you have water bowls outside and they feel safe with you. If you put water out for the dogs they are YOUR dogs and you must keep them tethered at all times. Wait. What? I’m in shithole no one can even get a package delivered dusty lawless Mexico, buses don’t even stop here and this guy has turned into the HOA manager at the Sea Ketch condos my mom used to live in Clearwater, Florida. Um, no. I’m not responsible for all the dogs on the streets, sir. But you are being cruel and I leave water out because it’s the desert and there is no proof that a starved and dehydrated dog won’t also chase your stupid bike. Also I cannot catch and spay/neuter or vaccinate dogs who are afraid of me and so I don’t abuse them and since they’re starving, I feed them. You are a monster.

Not sure why, but because everyone throws dogs out like trash I’m to live with 50? Meh. I feed, vaccinate and give vet care to 12. And there were 12 before these. That was before I realized that everyone sucked and that I’d never change the landscape of dog town. I could spay 10 every weekend and there’d be another 10 puppies on the corner. I saw 15 skinny puppies this morning 2 blocks from here.

See, the thing is, I have a face. I’m the Dog Lady. The creeps dumping puppies and letting animals just die in abandoned buildings are anonymous. Like how the IRS goes for the waitress at Denny’s for not doing a 1099 and evading $1000 of tip money. That’s easier than getting El Chapo to answer the door and show you the books. I’m low hanging fruit for all the ills of Camp Canine.

No matter how many times I say, I can’t be responsible for all the things stray dogs do in this town I’ll get a response…yea but it was YOURS. And not for nothing, literally all of these dogs look the same. Black and tan roughly cattle dog sheps. My dogs Brady and River are white and spotted and look different but for some reason God makes black dogs and black pigs for the desert. I believe it protects their skin in the sun should they not find a home or a boat to lay under. But mine are INSIDE the gates except for the ferals and if you don’t chase Pedro with a pole or throw rocks at Andie they mostly sleep and look for treats or cats. They’ve been here a lot longer than me and Andie isn’t always the best to have inside and Pedro is one male too many…Niles the 9 month old has been adopted twice and when the people leave and don’t take him he comes back here. I can’t always make room for him inside. He also is a big humper and another male to deal with.

I’m not sure why we’re getting blamed for all this. I walk them in groups of 4 daily on lead. I’m out and done walking before most people even wake up and I don’t let them “roam”. If someone is keen for a cat and slips the gate? (River border collie) I do my best but it’s rare that anyone is out alone. Did Niles chase the asshat on his bike? yeap. Did he deserve to be tortured along with the rest of us for 30 minutes? Hardly. Now EVERYONE wants to eat this guy. And the next time he jacks up my gates and flashes strobes at my dogs and rides his silly bike in circles and tries to scare everyone for sport? I’m gonna open the gates and see how fast he can really ride. I’ve seen Rocky outrun a Toyota Tacoma at full speed and also lift off and pull a seagull out of the sky. River is like a well…Border Collie. And nippy. Go for it.

How am I supposed to handle that? The taco people said fuck that guy and tell the cops…(which is silly, even in a big city with actual police they don’t do anything. If you found a pile of bodies in your septic tank they MAY tape it off and call it a crime scene. I’m not expecting much. But I went and told the gal at the Public Safety office and she made a call and looked concerned and the cop said he’d talk to “Rigo” and then follow up with me. I’m 98% sure no one will do shit. And I feel myself getting Home Alone crafty about it. Fantasizing about the thumbtacks I’ll toss out with buckets of paint right before he rounds the corner. The real fantasy is that I have rented a van and driver and have someplace to go and everyone loads up and we roll on down the highway to elsewhere.

The taco old timers who have been here 40 years assure me that people who are powerful and important have their eyes on me and not to worry about the “cabrona on the bike” in typical classist Mexican style.

I wish I had more words and that I yelled like a Latina sometimes. I don’t have a lot of get the fuck off my property lingo. I’m pretty sure most of these bullies and dog haters would respond if I took off my chancla and chased them down the road like an angry mom who would not allow this type of behavior. I kept my cool last night but I felt like I swallowed a rock. The taco guy gave me the side eye and said don’t worry about it. That guy’s gonna understand and gave that single head nod. Then one of their customers came up and gave me 100pesos (enough for 4kilos of kibble) and said, ‘for your doggies’. And I recognized him from Christmas when he paid for my kibble then too. That was the first and this was the second time anyone here has done anything for the rescue. He and his wife were very kind.

I’m not sure what all that means but I got a Dr. Pepper and the free taco they gave me and took a breath. Don’t get all worried, he said. No pasa nada.

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